What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

EFT is a structured approach to couples therapy formulated in the 1980s alongside the burgeoning research on adult attachment and bonding. A substantial body of research now exists, showing that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and about 90% show significant improvements.

Where can I learn more about the research supporting EFT?

 www.ICEEFT.com will take you to a summary of research and a bibliography of specific studies.

What happens if we decide to start couples therapy?

You may feel a sense of relief in just having made an appointment. Preparing to start therapy is a new move in the pattern that has kept you stuck, and you can start to anticipate that all the things you do to shift that pattern are steps in the right direction.

But you may not feel any relief at all, and that’s okay. For some couples, bringing the distress into the open and talking about it is like stirring up a pond that had settled--everything gets cloudier and murkier for a bit. If that's your experience, don't despair. This is all part of the process.

What can I expect at our first session?

Our first meeting is about our getting to know each other. I'll want to hear from you, together, what's going on that made therapy seem necessary. I'll ask some questions about how you met and got together, and we'll talk about the challenges in your lives right now. I'll also want to know if there are areas in your lives that are working well--we can lose track of those when things get tense and hard.

Then what?

You will schedule individual appointments with me, and in those appointments we'll talk about your family--I'd like to know what it was like to be you growing up. You'll also explain to me your sense of how things get stuck in your relationship. You and I will get a feel for each other apart from your partner that can be very helpful to all of us as we proceed. 

Following the individual appointments, we'll schedule appointments together with both of you. I work with clients as frequently as weekly and as infrequently as monthly; we'll schedule so that therapy works for your schedule and your budget.

When will we be done with therapy?

There are predictable markers of change in couples therapy, and we will talk about these in our first appointment. Many couples find that a couple months of weekly sessions are enough for things to settle down and feel more predictable, and then working on feeling closer to each other becomes the next part of the project. For other couples, particularly those who have been together a long time and have years of feeling stuck and hurt, it can take longer for things to feel better. I am willing to work with you as long as it takes if we are in agreement that we’re making progress.

Couples therapy is more like bringing in a plumber than hiring a live-in nanny. When you feel comfortable that you can reach for each other and reconnect whenever things go sideways--which they will because this happens with all couples--then you're probably ready to be done. But don't worry! I won't kick you out before you're ready, and like the plumber, you can always call me back.